Rome 2.07: Death Mask

"On order of the Triumverate, during Prince Herod's residency here, all mockery of Jews and their one God shall be kept to an appropriate minimum!"

There are many reasons to love Rome: epic panoramic scenes, a cast of... hundreds, powerful Royal Shakespeare Company-trained actors, wonderful scripts, amazing set and costume design, etc. However, there are three main resons why I love it: the blood, the fucking, and the evil bitch catfights. And that's what this episode was - many, many catfights. Let's see, shall we?

1. Memmio vs. Vorenus: We finally discover what Memmio's eeevil plan to bring Vorenus down is. He has Omnipor fucking Vorena (which he does, which is kinda gross, seeing as how Omnipor is like a skinny, greasy hippie, and Vorena still looks like she's thirteen), then catches them (which he does), then basically blackmails Vorena into spying on Vorenus for him (which she begins to do, but finds nothing of importance this episode) or else he will tell Vorenus on her (which at first, she doesn't care because she "HATES HIM!!!" as she yells every chance she gets... then she realizes that he totally has the power and the rage to kill her (which he wouldn't... dumb teenager)). This plan, I fear, is the beginning of the end of the Vorenii.

2. Eirene vs. Gaia: Gaia is walking around all high and mighty, and when Eirene commands her to do some chore, Gaia's all, "Fuck you." Then Eirene's all, "I'm gonna tell Pullo to beat the shit out of you!" Then Pullo goes to beat Gaia, which only leads to them fucking (no!!!). Well, actually, he beats her while he's fucking her, which she totally digs. After that, Gaia is totally placated, and Eirene gives her a "I'm still wifey, bitch!" look, to which Gaia responds with a "You don't know this, bitch, but this ripper's fucking him!" Eirene tells Pullo that he should beat Gaia once a month, which goes to prove that no one can be crueler than an ex-slave. Or a pregnant ex-slave, in Eirene's case. Or "plegnant," as poor foreign Eirene says. At the end of the episode, Gaia travels to some apothocary, who gives her some ancient Roman abortion drug. And the evil look on Gaia's face tells us that it's not for her. Dun dun DUN!!! So... the Romans were pro-choice, then.

3. The World vs. Jocasta: Now that Jocasta's gone down in the social ladder due her family being massacred, it's up to Atia to marry her off. To Posca. Oh, that's fucked up! Can Atia be any meaner? Oh, yes she can... by making the wedding take place in the fucking stable. As opposed to the fucking stable. Jocasta's bawling all through the ceremony, but I don't know whether it's because she's marrying Posca or because she really, really needs a joint.

4. Timon and Levi vs. Herod: Herod has rolled into town to give a bribe to the triumverate to become the king of Judea. Timon and Levi obviously don't like this idea, so Levi comes up with the brilliant idea of assassinating him at the wedding tomorrow (which wedding? We'll find out later). Timon is sad since he knows they won't emerge alive, and has a last supper with his family. No pun intended. At the wedding, the brothers are ready when suddenly Timon has a change of heart after seeing Atia (who he's still totally in love with). Plus, I think he remembered that he was in the middle of his redemption arc. Levi gets pissed, they struggle, Timon accidentally stabs and kills Levi. The look on Timon's face, by the way, is heartbreaking.

5. Antony vs. Octavian: The triumverate's totally on shaky ground, especially with Herod giving them the bribe that they don't know how to divy up. In order to bring stability to the triumverate and the republic, Octavian proposes a marriage between Antony and one of the women in Octavian's family. The logical choice is Atia, seeing as how she and Antony are the same age and how they're fucking and how Atia's in love with him. But, alas, Octavian has the last laugh by arranging the marriage between Antony and Octavia. Obviously, no one is happy at the wedding except Octavian, and by happy, I mean he blinks once as opposed to not blinking. Antony is uncomfortable, Atia is heartbroken and pissed, and Octavia and Agrippa are in agony. But, I guess, life's a bitch, and so is Octavian. And just because the marriage was political doesn't mean there can't be sex... all Antony needs is some spit for lube and a willing body to do it doggie style.

And now, the catfight of all catfights:

6. Atia and Servilia: Servilia is racked with grief over Brutus' death, quite obviously, since she was his mother and all. She then pulls a Cindy Sheehan and stands outside Atia's door, yelling "Atia of the Julii, I call for justice!" And this is totally where good RSC Voice and Speech training comes in handy for Lindsay Duncan. She stands out there for days, and then Atia shows up at the door. Servilia, now covered by Brutus' ashes, ushers out one of her epic curses to Atia ("Gods below, I am Servilia of the most ancient and sacred Junii upon whose bones the seven hills of Rome are built. I summon you to listen. Curse this woman! Send her bitterness and despair for all of her life! Let her taste nothing but ashes and iron! Gods of the underworld, all that I have left I give to you in sacrifice if you will make it so!" ) And then, she stabs herself with a sword. Wow. Like... wow! Servilia's dead! Then her slave kills herself. All in the street in front of Atia, Antony, Octavia, and the others. Atia totally starts taking this curse stuff to heart, since after the wedding she believes the curse may be coming true. Point: Servilia.

I am so SAD that there are only three episodes left!

All in all: A

Until next time, same bat time, same bat channel.