"To me, he always has that shifty look of a guy who knows where the bodies are buried. He should know. He buried them."
I remember in Season One right after Mrs. Huber was killed that speculation ran rampant online that she was gonna take over for Mary Alice one episode and narrate the episode from the Great Suburbia in the Sky. But that never happened. And has never happened... Mary Alice has never relinquished her narration duties (one episode this season kinda did that with Alma giving the closing narration to Edie, however). But this episode gives Mary Alice a day off, and we are taken along for the ride this time by none other than... drum roll please... Rex Fucking Van de Kamp! How I miss you, Rex, how awesome you are/were. How Marcia Cross is in need of a great sparring partner! I mean, this isn't a diss to Kyle MacLachlan (I love me some Agent Cooper, of course), but when Bree is the more normal of the couple, then things are a bit strange. Rex always grounded her and, let's not lie, Rex is the only man that Bree has ever truly loved. George? Whatever! She killed him. Orson? I don't think so. Pure plot contrivance.
Rex begins his Dead Person Voice Over by stating how much his family has gone to shit since he's died (agreed) and how he's glad he's dead. Ha! Then, Rex tells us that this episode is not going to focus exclusively on the Desperate Housewives of Wisteria Lane, but on the Desperate Husbands, which I think totally rocks! As much as I love me some Susanlynettebreegabrielleedie, I would totally dig a show about Miketomcarlosorsonian. Or... maybe I will just settle for the occassional episode.
Anyways, Carlos, still living with Mike, is totally horned up and cruising some Internet dating site, where he has found a "complete freak with serious daddy issues." His night is ruined, however, when Edie shows up at the door with her long-lost son, Travers (Travers? Edie, what kind of a name is that?), who has been alluded to since the pilot, but never seen. Edie asks if Carlos can babysit that night while she goes to some drunken soiree, and Carlos says that he can't since he's hoping to get laid. That night, as he's trying to score with Crazy Chick Freak with Daddy Issues, he sees Travers alone on the street, and Carlos runs out to save him. Which totally makes sense, judging from how many people have been killed/run over/attacked on this block alone. Internet Chick storms out, and when a drunken Edie comes home to collect Travers, Carlos gives her a vicious tongue lashing. And no, not like that. They have another intense and great scene the next morning, and Edie says that she may not be a good mother, but that she's a realistic one. Carlos feels bad and says he can take care of Travers if need be. Awww... seriously. So well-acted.
Tom, meanwhile, is planning a big surprise anniversary thing for Lynnette, who, despite being all supportive of the pizza parlor, in no way deserves a surprise anniversary thing, because, as we remember, she was basically tortured into supporting Tom. Whatever. Anyways, of course, in good old-fashioned Desperate Housewives fashion, the surprise goes awry and Tom ends up rescuing a nearly-frostbitten Lynnette from the forest and rekindling their romance in a diner. There're too many things to type up about that plot that... I just don't want to.
Mike and Ian have a guy catfight over Susan when Mike realizes that Ian just proposed to Susan before Mike remembered that he was going to. They duke it out (or, as works on this show, snarkily exchange catty comments) over a poker game where all our Desperate Husbands have converged. They end up facing each other with one hand, and if Ian wins, then Mike can never speak of this to Susan again and he'll marry her, and if Ian loses, then... Mike can tell Susan whatever he wants. Ian ends up winning in a reveal a few minutes before the episode ends. Sadly, I was totally invested in Tom and Carlos' side comments rather than the big showdown. They're both like, "What the fuck is this nonsense? I just came to do two things: play some cards and drink beer."
Umm... Oh yeah! Bree and Orson are going on their honeymoon. Bree left a few days early (because Marcia Cross just had babies... oh, you smart and clever writers), and right as Orson is about to leave, Danielle discovers that she's pregnant... by Austin! Dun dun DUN! Orson pretends that it's 1953 and sends Danielle off to a convent in the mountains so that she can have the baby in secret (saying that she's in boarding school), and Andrew returns to his Gay Iago ways and convinces Austin to blow town, rather than stay and reconciliate with Julie. Austin, being the dumb himbo he is, follows this adivce. Buh-bye, Austin!
Oh, and some rich guy wants to do Gabrielle. Again.
It was refreshing to see the episode from the male point of view, but I'm still unsure where the story's going for the remainder of the season. There's inklings of things, but I'm unsure. And I kinda like it. Though some of the things in this episode (basically Gabby's new rich stalker) seemed a bit trod-upon. Good, not golden.
All in all: B+
Until next time, same bat time, same bat channel.
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