Desperate Housewives 3.15: The Little Things You Do Together

"Do the whole jealous Latin ex-husband thing you do!"

Let's begin the blogging madness!

The episode begins with one of Mary Alice's longest recaps. EVER. Which, obviously means that this episode's gonna be good. Which, why wouldn't it be? It's in the middle of February sweeps, it's written by Marc Cherry, and... but then again, I flashback to last season's Februray sweeps episodes: Drunk Bree losing Lynette's demon spawn, Karl proposes to Susan so she can get medical insurance for her floating spleen surgery (you read that correctly)... oh God! Let's hope that it won't be that bad! But then again, we have a great twisty murder mystery involving all our women, as opposed to Betty Applewhite hiding her reatrded spawn in the basement. So, it should be good, right?

Right it is! Even the boring subplot is awesome: Lynette and Tom opening the pizzeria. While the Scavos have traditionally had the short end of the stick when it comes to the story department (Lynette going back to work, anyone?), I realize it is so because out of all the characters, Lynette is the most realisitc of all the housewives and whatever, and, honestly, Lynette and Tom battling over who has the balls to run the restaurant isn't even the worst that Cherry and associates have put Felicity Huffman through. But, when the big opening comes and it turns out Lynette ordered the wrong chairs, she goes around the neighborhood grabbing as many chairs from her neighbors to put in the restaurant. In fact, one of the episode's funniest moments came during a seriocomic scene between Gabrielle and Carlos. In the middle of their discussion on Gabrielle's porch, Lynette and her crew run out the front door, elegant chairs in tow. And then, at the opening, Tom gives a heartfelt speech about how Lynette has helped him throughout the opening and how it's wonderful that they're working together... he even cries! Awww!

Next plot up: the Susan/Ian/Mike triangle. Susan and Ian go to the hospital to get Jane's personal effects. By sheer coincidence as only possible on these shows, the hospital mixed up Jane's things with Mike's things. Ian spots the ring that Mike was going to propose to Susan with and decides to propose to her himself... at the pizzeria! Mike, of course, is kinda heartbroken, which will lead to all sorts of fun later, I'm sure. Susan, of course, accepts, which is cool because I like Ian, as opposed to not liking it when she married Karl last season. Ick!

Anyways...

Creepy Zack, with his moppy wig of hair, has now convinced Gabrielle that they had sex last night, which is pretty gross, considering that:
A) Gabby and Mary Alice were best friends back in the day
B) Gabby is about fifteen years older than Creepy Zack (if we assume Creepy Zack is 18 and Gabby is in her mid-30s)... and while the Mrs. Robinson thing is hot in "The Graduate" and "American Pie," it is NOT hot here
C) Creepy Zack is, well, creepy. And extremely pasty. He's shirtless, and his extremely white skin almost blends in with the pale grey boxers. Kinda gross.
Even grosser than that? The fact that Creepy Zack has a huge penis, which is confirmed by Carlos, when he attempts to intimidate Creepy Zack in the pizzeria bathroom into leaving Gabby alone. Carlos surmises that the Creepy Cock is too big for Gabby to not remember fucking Creepy Zack, so Gabby confronts Creepy Zack into confessing that he made up the whole thing. And then Creepy Zack proposes to Gabby after Ian proposes to Susan, and everyone is appropriately creeped out. When some stranger who obviously doesn't live in Fairview or on Wisteria Lane begins to applaud, Gabby snaps, "No! There will be no applause here!" Then, she breaks Creepy Zack's heart, and he disappears into the night. I'm sure he will be back in some fashion.

Now, the A-plot: Who killed Monique Polier? And how is the Hodge family connected? While every road totally pointed to Orson doing it (which obviously meant he didn't), it was revealed that... well, let's get to things in order. Orson survives his fall by having the fall softened by a tree, during which he flashes to the night that Monique was murdered by... his mother Gloria! Dun dun DUN! Gloria blackmails Orson into helping her dispose of the body, because, we discover, Orson caused his father's suicide when he was a teenager (hence his freaking out when Danielle faked suicide). But, of course, Orson later surmises that Gloria killed his father, too, because he was cheating on her. Which is why Gloria killed Monique and favored Alma... and then tries to kill a bedridden Bree. Um, overidentify much? Andrew tries to save Bree (but he's knocked out by Gloria's cane), but then Orson does it, gets into a psychological-thriller-finale fight with Gloria, throwing her to the floor and causing her to go into a stroke. He then takes the paralyzed Gloria to Alma's house across the street, where Alma is dead in the rosebushes (she escaped the attic where Gloria had her hostage, then falls off the roof while trying to get Danielle's attention). The police surmise that Alma killed Monique (Orson plants the bag of teeth next to her body, along with her faux-suicide note) and that Gloria had a stroke when she found the body, which totally exhonorates Mike. It's all terribly convenient, but wonderfully satisfying.

Which gets me to thinking... where will the rest of the season go from here? It's ballsy of Cherry and associates to wrap up the season mystery with six episodes left, which leaves the question of whether they are going to start planting seeds for Season Four, or just basic stand-alones. I would love to see some of the stories from earlier in the season that were just touched on revisited, like pedophile Art returning to the neighborhood, or Carolyn Bigsby... well, she's dead. But I would LOVE it if she weren't dead. Ahh, well. According to the previews, Danielle is pregnant, Edie's long-lost son returns, and...

All in all: A

See you in two weeks, Wisteria Lane! Same bat time, same bat channel.

- Cesar