quarterlife: Please, don't capitalize the "Q"

"My name is Dylan. Krieger. My... my name. Ummm..." Okay, whatever, Dylan, that type of speak may work in Neil LaBute plays, but on pretentious webseries about twenty-somethings written by fifty-somethings, this type of stylized speech does not work.

Okay, let's go back to my association with the wonderful webseries/NBC-wrecker known as quarterlife:

A few weeks ago, my friend Brian emailed me, telling me that he and a few associates are starting an internet production company that would specialize in webseries and that they didn't really have any webseries that specialized in the young adult genre, and who better to write about young people and their problems than me? Indeed. I was totally stoked that this was offered to me (even though, he stressed, it wasn't a guaranteed thing - it would have to be decided on by the other producers, whatever), but I had really no previous experience with webseries per se. So, in my research, I decided the best webseries to get into was quarterlife, because it was about young people and their problems. And, as an LA Times article about quarterlife's role in the new internet TV boom put it: "'Quarterlife' is about kids a few years out of college trying to find their way in the real world. It hopes to speak to college kids, in their own language and in a medium they can relate to." Awesome blossom, right?

Wrong!

What I was treated to was an hour and a half (I decided to bulk up in the q (NOT capitalized, Godforbid, because young people are too hip to use proper grammar... well, I guess judging from AIM-speak, it would seem that way) and watch something like 20 ten-minute episodes) of unrealistic life - six impossibly beautiful (yet appropriately emo/indie'd out) twentysomethings who are "struggling" artists and trying to make their way through romantic upheavals and work struggles in Chicago. My list of greivances with this show is endless, but the biggest things are:

1. Struggling my ass! I don't know any people my age who live in such beautiful spacious apartments and don't worry about money. Ever. Please. In my experience, all of my friends who have graduated from college in the last few years are all in the same predicament financially: paycheck to paycheck. Or, if they are okay for the moment with their rent, they are working on paying off student debts. The kids on this show? Nothing. No money issues. Great apartments. Great! And they're struggling. In Chicago. Which totally looks like L.A., what with the constant sunshine and palm trees. Whatevs.

2. Dylan, our whiny lead who obviously is the poster-child for the girls-who-are-pretty-but-obviously-don't-know-it-because-she's-smart, whines about wanting to be a writer "Oh, I want to be a writer, but I'm stuck at this magazine job" and it's like, Bitch? You work at a fucking magazine. Shut the fuck up already! You have a job that's in your field and, sure, you're just fetching coffee now, but you're just starting. There are tons of us who have four-year degrees in various fields, but are all competing to get this one crappy receptionist job at a crappy office that's been posted on Craigslist, so shut the fuck up because, in the grand scheme of things, you have a glamorous job. Stop whining into your vlog about it.

3. The indie rock-sounding soundtrack. Because nothing says "recent college graduates" like fake indie rock.

4. While I agree that romantic entanglements are a part of our lives, they're not the only thing in our lives. Dylan and Co. only whine about not being able to do what they want and cry about not being with the person they want. They have no sense of humor, when in fact, real people are funny. These, however? Melodramatic.

5. Why is it that on this show, the only character who drinks and gets drunk is an alcoholic?

Ugh! I'm getting all worked up thinking about this show in depth. Is it terrible that I'm secretly glad that it tanked in the ratings (the lowest NBC has experienced in 17 seasons... hence, NBC, you shouldn't cancel Friday Night Lights) and has been banished to Bravo? It probably is.

The good thing I've grabbed from this is what not to make my potential internet TV pilot look like. I've written a first draft of it (think quarterlife as written by Diablo Cody), but I still need to refine it. I've also discovered a new realm of TV to watch on the internet - my personal favorite is the delightful Clark and Michael.

Or maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I'll understand this in a few months when I turn twenty-five. What a difference in wisdom four months makes.